You cannot always get what you want.

3 months back, there were many thoughts running in my head regarding relationships and how it seems to be getting the better of me. It seems to render me neither happy nor content, but tensed and resulting in a dull aching pain at my temples.

As Rolling Stones said - You cannot always get what you want.

Then, what do you do?

If you are faced with a situation which gives you immense pain, but you are choosing to accept this situation then how do you ensure that you are happy irrespective of the situation?

You choose to look at the pain as transient and decide that instead of assuming the many facts, just try to find the happy areas for you. And that is what I have tried to do also. Look into myself and find those pockets which truly make me happy. And keep the rest as requirements to be met. It seems like a project to me, much less a life. Having said that, if it does help in bringing in my peace and tranquility, why not?

I am a person who tries to avoid confrontation, and that is not a good trait, I already know it. And many times, the letting it go, ends up at immense frustration or an eruption of sorts which might run back to the original problem which I was anyhow trying to avoid.

Talking of not good traits, one of the other wrongs that I see within myself is the blaming myself attitude. I think if someone complaints of a problem, I seem to take it personally. This is not going to get me to solve the problem, nor is it going to help me have a neutral/ good relationship with the person involved. This again goes back to building unhappiness within me.

How do I solve these issues?

It is a very complex issue in my head, and I wonder whether I can solve them without changing a host of things within me. I keep thinking of these things, and when nothing comes out of all the thinking I am at a loss to how to change myself to suit the needs of my daily life.

Truly a loss of time and thought.

A Murky Path

In any relationship, there is a period of adjustment, how much ever you wish for two people to accept each other, or for two people to be perfectly sculpted for each other.

The question is how long does this period of adjustment last? When do you realize that some things will never change, and might just always be the same? There are some facets which are so ingrained that they are difficult to change. They might over a long period, and in some, they might never change. Would it be wise to just wait for that change or accept that this is the way it is.

And if you decide to accept the inevitable, as it might seem to you... are you completely accepting the inevitable? Or you are just choosing to ignore till you find an alternative? And would it be one of those things which you will keep repeating every chance you get.. ' I have accepted, then why can't you?'

This brings us to the question, "Can you really accept? "


There are many thoughts which have been tormenting me, and to know what is the true solution, and not to just deflect the situation.

Is it right to either of the two involved to be in such a relationship?

One who is never happy and one who is told innumerable times about how things are not right.

Buda and Pest

I think it has been positively so long since I have come here. Reasons might be many, but the essence is neglect and not adhering to a routine. I guess I have been pulled in so many directions that my core has been lying neglected, just like this space which I had created. And I had created this place with a lot of love and focus on many things. Some of those things changed over time, and many new ones in fact came and wandered off too. But, the space has been me, and it has seen my transformation through all these years. And, I think that is the singular reason for me to stand by and move ahead.

I think this year I will remember by the one trip which I took which has been different on numerous grounds. But, more than the trip, I think I came back a different person.

I was recharged, and somehow the will to work towards what I want was all the more clear.

I was more accepting and I think the change in scenario took a good turn for me overall.

I had the much needed time to think, unwind and bring my life into focus.

I realized that,

Life rolls on and you need to grab those things which you want and they might just really come from anywhere.

Truly, anywhere!

I leave you with some of what I saw... and what awed me! 

Khazakhistan Mountains

Courtyard views

Very Europe

Quaint entrances

Squares

 

Off to study

Studies have a wonderful feel.

 

Doing a course has its charm. 

 

 I never thought I would want to go back to college, but this time I hope to do this 'studying' bit on my terms. And then I came to this, where online was the way to go with continuing education.

When you have to do them through an online medium, I believe some of the charm has just vanished. There are so many options to study and work towards getting yourself more aware but the prospect of learning these things through the new age means somehow seems to put me on the fence.

And why am I here? 

I am trying to reinvent myself and in the process of figuring out what is it that drives me. I believe in the power of getting a message across to people, but when it comes to delivering that effectively, is where I tend to falter. We can infer many things, but the one thing that consistently has been coming back to me is the need to learn in a sit down manner, than in the usual on the go manner which I am used to. And a classroom has a sense of seriousness which I need to focus, getting my mind away from the usual havoc of house and kids.

How?

When I think of the big question, I am always a at a loss.
B has been ever supportive of getting things done and moving one... so here too he has been pushing me to get out and achieve. And I think that is one thing I am so happy with the freedom to do what I want. I do not appreciate him for it, but I feel it every night when I fall asleep.

These questions and answers will take a while, but the focus should be on growing. And in that spirit, to work towards getting over my qualms of online education, I am taking up a course on Growth Marketing!

Changing or maybe not.

I guess I come here only when I need to speak out without thinking. Maybe that is the very reason I created this blog. A space for me to speak, exactly the way my mind speaks. I do not need to filter it as per social norms or any approved word lists. There are so many instances I speak to myself just looking at the mirror. This again gives me that freedom to speak my mind and not worry about repercussions.  Maybe you would be doing so too, at least I wish to believe so, in my last attempt to appear sane.

I even have a label here on the blog for all these ramblings which my mind throws out... it is quite a few. Better here than bottled up.

How different people become over the years, and when those people are close then it affects the equations which you once shared with them. Its sad that human beings keep changing and what your feelings and emotions are today, won't be the same after a few hours even if the surrounding picture is unchanged.

Then it makes one wonder whether if it is just you changing that you seem to perceive the changes in others, changes which might actually never be there.

I am unsure which is the truth, maybe it is a bit of both. I strongly do believe that its difficult to not change through time. What say?

When you just do not have answers

I remember when I started to read blogs, and gingerly stepped into the world of blogging when I was still in college, I used to read a blog called Just a mother of two... many would know she is an acclaimed writer now, and her blog, page and social media have changed a billion times in these 7 odd years!

And from there to now... to think of it, now I am a mother of 2. I certainly don't think that I am anywhere close to what I remember her days to be. My days are purely a scramble, and full of squabbles, where mostly I do not even know why I am fuming. I just have no energy at the end of the day, but I still do not feel I have done one thing which I will look back at through the day which just passed. And I feel sad about it.

Shouldn't you be thrilled and happy about each day which has passed? Or is that meant for just books and narrations from unknown folks?

Some days I feel I should be working towards some goal, but I do not see the time or motivation to take out time from the crazy day to work towards these goals.

Then who am I blaming?

I do not think this is a phase and it will pass, it is something which I need to change.

Experiencing happiness

Every one of us has days when we are down and about, and those days when you feel you can step up and do right about anything. On one of the down and about days is when I came across a friend who shared this course on LinkedIn, which was to be launched on Coursera, titled " A life of happiness and fulfillment". I thought about it a lot, and there has been many conversations which I have had with B about how I do not know really how to be happy and when I can be really sure that I am on a path to happiness.

And being one of those days, I decided to sign up for this course, and set my life straight, maybe with the help of this professor. All this was almost a month back, and I marked it on my calendar to not miss it too. This month the course started, and I saw myself watching each of the videos, answering the questions, making the effort to take up the course with all due respect. I did not even expect this from myself knowing that I am usually tired, or sleepy in between T and work and planning for my months ahead.

About the course, I was very happy with the way it was sectioned, delivered and the amount of research which went into it with guest talks etc. Defining happiness, assessing when and how you are happy, achieving that happiness, are all covered, and as a student, you are made to assess yourself and see the change in yourself with the progression of the course. One aspect of the course which I really liked was the concept of ' Flow'. It is very interesting to note how the same activity can result in a positive or neutral outcome, completely based on your mental state, and if you are in the ' flow' of matters.

Happiness in life is very much linked to your job, with over 50% of your day being occupied in your work environment, it is very important that the work that you are involved in, motivates and invigorates you from within. And what do you do if it doesn't? That is a question which we all know is for us to answer, but then there is a possible right methodology to employ to achieve this. That is something which I again found so beautifully explained in the second module of this course.

There are many times logically we know what is the right path, but when these have to be pointed at ourselves, we look at the path very differently. We deal with ourselves and our failures, especially, in a different manner than how we would otherwise deal with the same situation, when it has befallen a friend. Understanding how to deal with yourself is also a huge part in imparting happiness to oneself.

And the final deal which I am most thankful for is that I got around to thanking someone who made the most important impact in my life. I wrote an email expressing gratitude though these thoughts have always been on my mind, and it was simple for me to put it down. But, the fact is, this gave me the opportunity to get this doe and it did feel real good!

When I know...

There are times when you know what is the right answer and how to go about it. But you just do not want to do it.

Your mind tells you the logical result of your dilemma but your heart does not have the heart to agree to something which feels like a trap.

You have a dream, and you see it going up... poof!

Is that what is called life? Do you just accept and sit back and watch?

Its perfectly right and logical, just not what you want.

How do you solve this now!?

A week away #MB2013

Two day from today and a week from today are two very special things.

This is the kind of ring B was looking for during our wedding. 

Two days away is my wedding anniversary, to mark another successful year of love and happiness (along with fighting and bickering). I believe that gifts are nice to receive and gift. There is a happiness associated with it, and if you are the kind of person who will treasure them and pick them up after years knowing when you got it, that is a really special feeling. So, I am yet to figure out what will be B's gift, but there will be something. Has to be!

And a week from now is the new year, and with it the new resolutions. I am not too much of a resolutions person, but I do try to keep things a little in control, and I do try to take up something which I will try to achieve through the year. I have not really thought of what I will be doing this year. Last year, was exercising and trying to keep fit. This year too I believe that has to be a core need, especially now touching on the 30s mark. Apart from this, I wish to learn Kannada. That is a need I see and I want to... I planned to do that I believe sometime mid 2013, but then with work starting, it became difficult. I need to figure out how I can pick this up again. Any leads? Is there anything online? I have not come across anything as yet.

Is it the season or just the end to another year? #MB2013

I have been trying to get myself into many things this month, and have not been too good at keeping up with it, but that is not preventing me from going on with my list of to-do stuff, which seems to have legs of its own!

Being part of a marathon bloggers group, aiming to blog every single day, which is certainly not happening. But, I am trying to keep it a little regular with at least 4 blogs a week, if not 7! I thought the photo posts would make things easier, but I realized, that is also something which still takes time on a daily basis. I must dig some of the pictures which I have. Some which were taken long back all the way in 2003/2004. The pictures would be of a different feel, but that would make things interesting right? So, that shall be coming up soon!

Also, this month, I am going to be a Secret Santa to someone. Love surprise gifts, and if I can go and shop for a person who I have not met... this is going to be fun! It is going to be something which will make things very interesting. Its going to be busy too with gifts to be send out in the next 3-4 days so that they reach on time in this peak gifting season!

But, nevertheless, I think I am happy pushing in all this positivity in me :)

Sad but true...

Free play

 Yesterday, T came up with ' I don't like you amma', while sitting at a restaurant and I was trying to feed her dinner. This was a new place where we had gone and they had no high chair and hence no crayons/paper for the kid to be kept occupied. She was already irritated with the cooped up on the couch situation and there, I was trying to feed her and keep her distracted from the fact that I was trying to feed her with songs, pointing out obscure things which might or might not have been there. When T came up with ' I don't like amma, I want to go to papa', I dismissed it as the usual toddler fare and that she was just trying to get out of the feeding part. But, yes, it did in someway stay with me, and I thought about it after she was in bed last night.

Am I being a little too protective? B, certainly feels so, and he has made it clear umpteen times, that I am not allowing her to make mistakes. *sigh

But, how do I? Isn't she too young to try out stuff? Well, maybe this is why even when kids become bigger, parents just do not let their kids go. And, I have always been so so against it, and I really do not need to see myself going down that path. It is really time to change.

I aim to help her only where dangerous things are involved, like walking near traffic areas, kitchen where things might be hot etc. Essentially, I shall be looking at letting her do what she wants without interfering and will try really hard not to get involved in the daily stuff which she does.

There really doesn't need to be a right way to do everything. This is something which I need to imbibe. Really important.

Just me

There are some days when I am at a all new low, and thinking about things which I never knew mattered to me so. At times, I do not understand myself, I think that the person I want to be and the person I am are two completely different entities, and I exist somewhere in between, at that chiasma.

Questions on whether the way I wish to be is even the right way to be, has also crossed my mind. Many of these thoughts can be dropped into the ' vain' box, and this makes me think that I am somehow better off at present. But, this not the happy me either, and I know I am no saint who does not get pulled in different directions by worldly ongoings. Which leaves me where? I do not know. The way I see it, I should be working towards achieving those which I wish for, and move into that schema to actually see whether it does render any happiness, or is that also just a mere perception of the mind.

And, along comes those instances, when you look at yourself in pity and ask how could you garner importance of this nature to these things. There are so many things in this world to live for, beyond all these matters which seem extremely petty at the moment. This is indeed knowing the fact that, come a day and I shall be back looking at those things which I wish for, and charting out the routes to attain them.

Where do I really stand?
What is really worth? If I do achieve what I wish for, do I really stand to be happy? 

3 days.

In 3 days, will be a milestone for me after a really long time.

Turning 30 is something which felt far away a few years back, and today it is right here.

I have been thinking what is it that I can do to keep this year special. When I came across Orange jammies Turning Five, Birthday giveaway, I felt this is what I would love to do to remember this year too. Last year, on my birthday I made a contribution to Save the Children and the year before that I made a contribution to CRY India. Those two contributions felt more of only a monetary help which I was extending, but this time I thought I would like to make the effort and do something different.

Shishu Mandir, was a children's home which I recently visited to drop off some of T's clothes, toys and other things. I was awed at the work they were doing and the one feeling which I got was the individuals involved with them were doing in true spirit and they deserve all the help they can get. So, for this birthday I have decided that I shall add Rs.100 for every comment on this post to a base amount which I have decided to contribute to them. And as its a children's home, I intend to coordinate with them and order a host of item which they need. This way I can ensure that they get it at the best possible rates and they get these items at the earliest. They are not located very centrally, so many items might prove difficult for them to procure elsewhere. Apart from all this, I think I would feel wonderful that I could do something rather than making another x amount contribution.

So, as I said, for every comment on this post till midnight (IST), August 10, 2013, I shall be contributing Rs. 100 to the kitty which shall go towards buying necessary items for Shishu Mandir.

Now, go ahead, leave that comment! Play your part :)

Why I love to travel.

Going to a new places has a charm right from the point of research to planning, and if it is a road trip, charting out the route too. These are some of the activities which I love to immerse myself in. In fact, there was a time when I wanted to go to Pondicherry and Goa so badly that I just researched and made a Must see places list for both these places. I visited these places maybe a year after my research, but the research in itself does give me so much satisfaction.

Does this mean that I would not like to go to any place more than once?
I am not sure I would be so excited about going to that place, at least not the way I would if it had been my first trip.
I am the kind of travel fanatic who watches just National Geographic, Animal Planet and TLC. If the television is switched on, it has to be one of these channels, and if I am the only person who is watching a program.Usually not too many people want to watch these channels and hence its just me and T who watch these channels at home. It has come to it that now she asks to see elephants and that would mean that she wants to watch some television. I do not know if that is a good thing, but atleast I console myself that she is not asking for any cartoon.

Recently I have been doing a bit of research on Egypt. It started off on a writing assignment and then it just went on from there. I just could not stop myself from reading and reading. There is the but obvious history attached to the country and the great Egyptian civilization, but there is something else which caught my attention. This was the immense flora and fauna which exists about the river Nile. The longest river in the world. The Nile flows through Rwanda, Tanzania,Uganda, Ethiopia, Sudan, Burundi and Egypt. The way this river flows through one of the harshest, hottest deserts in the world is truly fascinating. And this river never dries up. It might be marshy, wild, slow and meandering, but never dry. That is the Nile. This is all the research and a program which I saw recently on National Geographic about Africa. This is truly one of the most undiscovered continents in the world. It is a completely different world and this is one thing I realized when I went to Kenya. ( Here are the travelogues) I wish to go and go see the Nile one day. It would truly be a great sight.

24.

Over a month since I have managed to come here. In fact, there have been many instances I came here, looked about and then decided to not write anything.

Why?
 I am not too sure. 

There have been so many thoughts in my head and being in the process of sorting them, understanding and accepting them is taking a fair bit of time. Time which has been seeing many ups and downs, many iterations, many misunderstandings, and me, trying to settle down and accept.

Some might call it facts of life, and others might call it a part of growing up. It does not help that I shall be turning 30 in less than a month and somehow this maturity absurdity is being forced upon me right about now!

Would it have been better in a different setting?
I doubt it.
Some things are just not done.

Or, maybe I am just making assumptions.

Blog - A - prompt, Day 5: Spicy

Spicy has to be food :) What would be the most spicy dish I would have tried? I have not been to the North east of India, so I have not had the pleasure of trying out the true delicacies in terms of spices. But, nevertheless, the one thing which I love, and it surely is spicy is this particular chilli which my grandmom uses to make the coconut chutney at Trivandrum. She used to have the plant at her place, and when there is a chilli on the plant, then it surely goes into the breakfast chutney.

This chilli is called Kandarimulagu or just Kandari. Here is the wiki link of this particular chilli, it seems its called bird'd eye chilli. This is really small, looks pretty harmless, except for it bright red colour, and measuring 50,000 - 100,000 Scoville units.

Here is an image of these amazing chillies from wiki again

I have not seen so many chillies on the plant at my grandmom's place, but the colour is just the same. Infact I shudder to think if there were so many of them, what would be state of us! They are quite piquant, and a large one would be split in two and used for two dishes, was the norm. 

I wish I could find a plant someplace so that I could have this at my place... more like a memory of my grandmother.

Image Source: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1iuSM_mY8TIiU7CNeA-nsgjVlWSKFwuTV8g9pYy2NxyJdzS36PyY7lQw1WC0A_NE-YQuniXE15flJiCRm1D_Zv0HEPCEaNmSQ1SQrLj7qc6aGXnsVGIkOGmXyg_CFsOuqUFoxToqExeQ5/s1600/Kanthari+mulaku.JPG

Blog - a - Prompt, Day 2: Thirst

The fact is that I did not study at all in college. And, I regret it. I was a top student through school, and somehow the freedom and new country changed things up for me to such a great extend that I just did not have it in me to study. This is something which I have seen happening with so many people in IITs that in some convoluted way, I take solace in the fact that I am not the only one who lost it! Having known this for a while, even after I did graduate from IIT, I did not get myself into the groove, and did not go ahead for any further studies. Now, you may ask, WHY??

The itch to study and prove myself was my main motivation behind the studies, I never could understand what is it that I would achieve if I do go ahead for higher studies, and in my case, that would have been a PhD. A PhD would have taken many more years to complete and this makes it a more difficult decision to make. Once married, I always thought that if I do complete my PhD, where is the time for a kid and a post doctral fellowship at the same time? And who would be willing to come and stay with me in an alien country to take care of my kid? I did not have the answers to these questions, and that would be the primary reason I never was inclined enough to take up studies. But, even today, I think I want to head back to school and study something, make the amends which I have always wanted to do. These thoughts alternate with the reality and have me again at that place wherein I do not know where I am headed.

Circumstances do not always favour, as is now, and the thirst for knowledge shall remain unfulfilled.

Image Source: http://community.bates.edu/s/209/images/editor/club%20events/Open-book.gif

Blog-a-Prompt, Day 1: My true colours

As I sat with my drink yesterday evening, I realized that one of the facts of life is that my true colours are seen only when I am 2 drinks down. I was having a conversation with B earlier in the day that I am a round about sort of person, I find it exceptionally difficult to give a straight forward answer. I might know what the answer is, and what is my opinion, but I invariably try to give it in a diplomatic/ round - about manner. And that changes once those 2 drinks are down.

I sometimes do wonder why is this. Why is it so difficult? What makes it such a wrong thing in my eyes? I do not know whether if this is truly wrong in my eyes, but I think it it more that I have never ever been the one to give a preference in front of anyone. My closest friends would also say that me giving a choice would mean that I really want that, or I am really comfortable with the group. I realized today that there is another aspect to this, it can also mean that I am 2 drinks down!

Recently when I had gone for the bloggers meet at Kufri too, this was an observation which was made by folks who I met just a few hours back. Given that many of us read each other's blogs, but we were predominantly meeting each other in person for the very first time. I speak when I am comfortable, and this comfort comes about when alcohol comes into the picture. Sad, but true! Thats when my true colours manifest themselves! A  drink has a way of making you feel comfortable, feeling confident, these being the very feelings which can have a positive or a negative impact on the situation. I enjoy sitting with friends and conversing, sharing a drink, having discussions, and these are the times where I speak the most and feel light headed I guess, to speak out without the inhibitions!

Good or Bad? I do not know.
But, these are my true colours!

Image Source: http://s3.favim.com/orig/46/beach-colours-drink-pink-summer-Favim.com-417218.jpg

Standing here

Standing here, at this juncture, wanting to move ahead, but not sure how to place the step. That is what I am talking about. It is a difficult climb getting back into the work space, and moreover when you seem lost, as to what would I do, what is it that I can do. Just not easy to not know and feel lost. Am not liking this. And as on such occasions, I feel safe in just stepping into the kitchen and working on something wherein I would know I would be occupied away from these thoughts. Not good, but thats how it is at present.

So, whats cooking today?

Oven roasted potatoes
Tomato soup
Pizza

The potatoes finally came out right with the perfect mix of rosemary, paprika and parmesan cheese. Adapted from Rak's Kitchen

The Tomato soup was a little too thick to my liking. I think I should have used way less tomatoes. Next time.. This is something I saw from a Sanjeev Kapoor cooking book series which I have.

Pizza was a grand success, and this was my maiden attempt at making the pizza sauce and base all by myself.

Startings...

I have never been the one for taking risks.

I am scared and I worry of what could have been the outcome under extreme circumstances.

I am not the optimist, who will always have the other side of the coin to look at.

I do not ever know how bad the situation will be and I tend to see things always in the light of, what I could have done.

That is just the way I am.

I know that it is not the right way, but then changing your self after years of developing into this kind of a person can not be easy, can it!?

I am trying.

I know I need to get out of this 'careful' attitude and take some risks in life to feel the rush and life within me.

I need to start and I plan on starting now.

Image Source: http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/penny-farthing-for-your-thoughts-irene-suchocki.jpg