CSAAM April 2011

This post is written as part of the Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month Initiative

Last year April, CSA 2011 opened by eyes to something which I thought happened only very rarely. But, it did happen to me. And through that month, I realized it has happened to so many people, and by those whom you take to be family, trust and love. I realized its so difficult to watch out for, so difficult to digest. 

I was 4 or 5 years old when a cousin brother groped me. At that young age, I did not even know why it happened; we were just playing ' House'. Now I know this is the most dangerous game to play with a mixed age group of children. And in my case, I was just playing with this said cousin brother as he was the one who was back from school early. This incident did leave an impact on me, as I started avoiding him, and even now when I speak to him, this is the most clear thought which plays in front of my eyes. I do not know whether he realizes that I do remember; but, he does not show any qualms in talking with me. I have never ever picked on it, but have just been cautious. 

Then, when I was 10 years old, we were visiting a family friend's place. The uncle's dad was staying with them for a few months, and he would have been 70 odd years. From the moment I stepped into the house, he was sitting next to me, hounding me with questions and asking me about what I do apart from school and such. At first, I thought he was genuinely interested in a child, but after some time I started to become uncomfortable when he kept his hand on my knee and I was wearing a skirt, so his hand was partially on the skirt and on my skin. I tried to move my leg but he would not remove his hand. Then, he asked me to come inside his room and take a sweet, to which I replied I do not like sweets, but he persisted and then my mom said, " Just go and take a sweet." I reluctantly went to get the sweet. Once in the room, he gave me the sweet and planted a kiss on my lips. I was shocked, disgusted and just turned and walked out quickly and went to sit next to my mom. For the next 2 days, I was dreading that I was going to be pregnant, with the limited knowledge I had about babies. 

Now looking back at these incidents, I know how disgusted I felt with myself for what happened, but in the second case I knew it was not my fault, but nevertheless, I felt disgusted with myself.

Today, as a mother to a 11 month old girl, I am so unsure what I should be doing. I was a working woman, but now I just do not know whether I will ever be able to get back to work, get back to work fully wherein I would be required to work as per the company norms, and not to my comfort. Does this have anything to do with a fear of my daughter's safety? Yes, it does. 

I wish for my daughter a place where I know she can grow to be independent, brave and smart. Creating that space is not a simple task, and as I see it, leaving her in the safety of her home is not a very great solution with the number of people who come to the door and there is so much which a nanny can do to take care. And, it takes just a fraction of a second to hurt a child, physically and mentally. To shatter her confidence and doubt herself. It makes it even more difficult to trust someone else to care and protect your child as much as family. And when do you know who will break the trust? 

Some of the reasons why CSA goes undetected are:

1. There are so many myths which surround CSA and hence awareness is the key. Knowing your enemy is the only way you can prevent any harm. 

2. In many cases, we do not believe that CSA is/ might be a factor to watch for in the society, community, country we live in. But, none of this is true. CSA can happen to any child and it is just a matter of chance for the perpetrator. So, as a parents we need to be cautious at all times. For which, we need to believe and know this is a truth and no MYTH. This I say, as many adults I know casually pass comments like.. this doesn't happen in our circles… but then it happened to me, and I am in this circle. 

3. The child is seen to be the one who has done something wrong to result in the abuse. This is one of the most dangerous idea to put into a small child's head.

4. And, the most important one, the abuser is usually someone the child knows, which means as a parent, you can prevent it. 

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The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards opens on a cold snowy night in 1960s when a doctor and his wife are expecting their first child. And, it moves through 25 odd years in the lives of all those around this family and their children.

The doctor finds out they are having twins, but he decides to give away a child, a girl, who has Down's syndrome, and keep only his son. He himself had a sister who had a heart condition and he knew the difficulty he faced while growing up. He did not wish the same for his son. A understandable reason? But, he was not prepared for the turmoil this would unfold in his else peaceful, happy life.

He lies to his wife that their daughter died, and she grieves but he is unable to even look her in the eye and cry for their loss. She grows distant, she does not understand him, she starts to have affairs, she  starts to seek freedom.

He immerses himself in his work and photography. He almost distances himself from his wife and does not want another child, in the fear of another daughter with Down's Syndrome. Their son is a silent observer to all that passes between his parents and as we see he is affected in his own way.

The story brings out the helplessness experienced by the nurse to whom the doctor hands over his new born daughter, how a relationship is completely broken apart with a secret always standing between the doctor and his wife.

Personally, I felt it also portrayed copious amount of courage from the doctor's wife in dealing with her grief. In spite of the topic being completely pushed under the carpet by her husband, she learnt to carry her daughter who she assumed to be dead, with her all through her living years.

The story moves through the years of the twins, living completely different lives and how one man's decision for the better of all did not after all work out, or maybe that was how things were meant to be.

Image courtesy: MemoryKeepersDaughter.jpg

Its easy to complain, so let me start...

There are so many things which I always never do right. I thought, why not list some here and maybe... a very far fetched MAYBE.. I will be able to get these towards the right side.


1. I have been eagerly looking to buy an oven and start baking some goodies. I thought maybe a course would help me put myself in pace with my idea and also help me get about it. But, I have not yet got the oven even though I have been looking out for options. Now I feel that I need time at my disposal and with so many things to do through the day, I have no time and moreover, no time for me to do anything peacefully. Most of my chores are done in such a planned out manner, and they are all chores. I have no time to browse through anything and I want to get this oven after a good research. That might just be the issue, but that is the way I am.


2. When I moved to my current residence, the only thing I was at peace with was the small patch of a garden which existed and at that time it just truly existed. I had to take out so many weeds, get the whole place sorted out and what not. But, now I have some plants... have flowers on and off, but I need to get myself to devote myself to the garden if I want to see it truly ' bloom' ( for the lack of any better word).


3. I never seem to take out enough time through the day. It is not because I do not have the time, but just that I end up browsing the web, or reading a book, when I know there would be many things which are pending. The issue is I have so many things which are forever to be done, that I want to just relax and take things lightly, rather than move from one to the next. But, if I do get myself to finish off all my chores/tasks, will I be free to sit around? I doubt it. I am sure there will be a another few items added to the list by then.


4. I have been forever trying to get on to some part- time work schedule, and I know I can do it, but I just do not. I have these above chores to finish with all the lazing around also involved, which results in the part- time work not figuring in anywhere. 


At times I wonder is this a by- product of having a kid, I doubt it, I think I am just a lazy person. B says I have a true leo... who likes luxury and lazing around, and the two do go well hand in hand. ;)

A day

Some days you just sit and try to figure out whats wrong

Some days you just try to reason out

Some days you try to do anything to make things better

And, some days you just feel beaten.


Image Source: http://pamleyokc.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/walking-shadow.jpg