A year since she arrived

A year since she arrived and the journey has been one of complete learning for me. From the point where I was too scared to pick her up, to this day when I manage her on one hip and get work done, with some dance moves thrown in in between to keep her occupied. If I look back, I do not think I missed out on anything she did, I was there when she decided to try and turn over, when she tried with all her might to move on her tummy, when she wobbled and sat swinging. I was there when she tried to stand up and fell down getting a nick in the process, when she played with a soft toy and threw it out of the window. These are the small number of many things which I would always remember, knowing, she will never do these things again, she has grown up. Now, she walks about the whole place, trying to discover new things and poke her head into ever cupboard and pull out stuff.

There are days when you feel thrilled and happy when you drift off to sleep and there are other nights when all you have time to think is when did your life change so much that you yourself do not seem to understand what is happening. Where did the peace and calm of your life disappear. when did it get replaced by a run for the day and accomplishing chores as the top priority.  Everything became clockwork or else they were just pushed for later, wherein the later might never come, or they might at continuous insistence from someone.

As I look ahead I know that it is only a matter of time when she will be on her own, off to school in maybe 2 years and then I would be rendered useless. But, knowing that I do not want to detach myself away from her and start getting my life into order as yet. I think I still enjoy it being played in tune to hers as of now. I do miss my tune at times, but then in 2 years again things will change…then I might just crave this. There is an option of starting to work, being productive again, where I have money which I know I can spend without thinking too much as its my hardwork which I can burn any which way. But that would also mean leaving her and going away not to see her daily antiques, not knowing what she does and how she does it. I do not think I am ready for that. She is my first born, my love, how many times I have thought about trying to engage myself even if its for a few hours daily. I am unable to do it, I do not think it is because I am not trying enough, or I am not dedicated enough. I think I am more dedicated to my daughter at present than to anyone else. She is the only person who truly needs me and needs me to be who she has to be.

However my logical mind tells me to start my journey back to work and independence, and in the process making her independent, but I feel a year or two more is all that I am going to get so why not. Then, there is the advice which tells me to have my second child asap, so that I am finished with my mothering duties also asap. If I wanted to just finish the duty, wouldn't it be simple to have a single child, experience motherhood and be done with it. I am in no hurry to finish off duties, and I do not think I will like it if I am running like a mad chicken for time between by two kids. This is one of the strongest reasons I feel I want a minimum of 3 years age difference between both my kids so that I know the elder one understands and can be a true elder sibling. I also think there might be many moms who would love to have a baby and toddler in the house and enjoy themselves thoroughly taking care of one or the other. Me, I doubt it.

Having said that, there is a fear about how I will get back to work and a life which I want. Will I be too late to jump aboard? Or will I find something which I can do the way I want to when the time is right? That might be just wishful thinking. I do not know.

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